The Funniest (and Stupidest) Quotes of 2006 from Funnypoetry.Com – Sports, entertainment and more

“This week, a 100-year-old Tennessee man married for the third time, this time to a 68-year-old woman. When asked why he was marrying a woman 32 years his junior, the man said, ‘Yes, I would love a sandwich.
— Weekend Update’s Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live

“I really believe in infrastructure spending… I pay for my shoes in 20 years.”
– Carole Taylor, Minister of Finance for Canada’s BC Province, explains why she wore new $600 Gucci shoes when she presented the annual budget.

“We wanted to keep him off the bases.”
– manager Charlie Manuel (Phillies) explains José Reyes’ (Mets) three home runs in one game.

Q: “You are the player. We like to hear it from the horse’s mouth.” A: (Roddick): “Go buy a horse.”

“Well, I really think it busts the myth of white supremacy once and for all!”
– Rep. Charlie Rangel, after being asked his opinion of President George W. Bush

“I was able to have fun and socialize at an Olympic level.”
– Bode Miller, the US Olympic skier who missed zero out of five for Olympic gold.

“Should I go get a ruler?”
-Kate from LOST [Evangeline Lilly]editorializes about a testosterone contest between Jack [Matthew Fox] and Sawyer [Josh Holloway].

“My number one goal is not to go to jail.”
– Congresswoman-elect Michele Bachmann (R, MN)

“If you’re not electing Christians, then in essence you’re going to legislate sin.”
– Representative Katherine Harris (R, FL)

“Paddy was in the wrong place at the wrong time – from the looks of the pictures, he was also with someone who was more Hungarian than he was.”
– Neil Warnock discusses (Sheffield United goalkeeper) the loss of an eyebrow bitten by Paddy Kenny in a restaurant.

“I’ve noticed a marked difference in the way people respond to me when I’m wearing my colors.”
– Testimony by Hells Angels member Ricky Ciarniello in a legal action against an Ontario, Canada court ruling that the Angels constitute a criminal organization, saying this unfairly exposes him to fear, hatred and ridicule. The ruling remained. (The original Canadian spelling of “colors” here is not an error, or at least, it is already very old.)

“Drowning has always been my biggest fear.”
– Janina Peters, lifeguard.

“Russian women are not very good at figure skating. They are good at building railways in Siberia, for example.”
– Alexei Mishin, trainer of champion Evgeni Plushenko.

“I believe in my heart that if Jesus were alive today, he would be doing the same thing.”
– Madonna justifies including mock crucifixion in her theatrical performances.

“Cheney’s defense is that he was aiming for a quail when he shot the guy: which means Cheney now has the worst marksmanship of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton.”
– Jay Leno

Tennis star Roddick on playing with the retiring Agassi :Q: “Are you relieved that [it] isn’t going to happen?” A: (Roddick): “Obviously you want to play against your idols, but you also don’t want to be the guy who shot Bambi.”

“A big city feel, but redneck friendly.”
– tourism slogan suggested by President Tim Newman of the Regional Visitors Authority of Charlotte, NC, USA.

“He scares our German Shepherd to death when we’re home, so we come here.”
– Sue Mihalyi, explaining why she and her husband Mark watch Steeler games at a local Pittsburgh restaurant. The Steelers won the Superbowl in 2006 without their carpet suffering.

“Your son, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his mother, so for the first year you are just a curiosity. As the years go by, you will become an amusement park ride. Then a referee. And finally, a bench.”
– Things a man should know about fatherhood, Esquire magazine

“[African-American Maryland Lt. Gov. Michael Steele has made] a career of groveling support for the Republican Party.
– Steny Hoyer, (D, MD)

“Stay away from Australian women or else you’ll end up in prison.”
– advice to your athletes from the sporting director of Uganda

“She’s pretty aggressive on our cars. Especially if you catch her at the right time of the month, she could be swapping a lot of paint.”
– Real-life race car driver Ed Carpenter describes Danica Patrick.

“I’m glad he’s showing some personality.”

– Danica Patrick on Ed Carpenter, later that day.

Madonna on her reputation for being difficult: “What’s the difference between a pop star and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.”

“I told the producers I would give my left nut to present this.”
– Lance Armstrong, opening the 2006 ESPY Awards

“Activities that are not compatible with Western standards.”
– ABC News is politically correct in describing Hamas suicide bombings.

“He is a very wise and very strong man, although perhaps not as strong as his father Barbara.”
– Borat describes the president

“I don’t support our troops…When you volunteer for the US military, you almost know you’re not going to defend yourself against invasions from Mexico and Canada.”
– Joel Stein, columnist for the Los Angeles Times

“I said a little prayer before I did the fingerprint and picture thing, and my prayer was basically, ‘Let people see Christ through me and let me smile.'”
– (Former House Republican Majority Leader) Tom DeLay gets his mugshot.

“Another thing I learned about Secretary Rice is that she loves the cool Atlantic breeze here in Nova Scotia, and she left her window open last night.”
– Canada’s Conservative Foreign Minister Peter MacKay amid rumors the two were having a thing.

“When you invite people over, you don’t have to tell them this is a cold place.”
– Canada’s BC Premier Gordon Campbell trying to tone down the 2010 Olympic promotions.

“Of course, some of them could be police officers who just watch the game and don’t respond.”
– Geoffrey Alpert, a criminologist at the University of South Carolina, on (his) research showing a decrease in crime during the Super Bowl.

“We ship to all correctional institutions.”
– The sign of an American bookstore, in the Internet age.

“The public has no right to know anything.”
– Sergeant John Ward, spokesman for the RCMP, responds to questions from journalists about the death in custody of Ian Bush.

Q: “How different was it holding that plate today than it was in Australia?” Amelia Mauremo: “It’s a different trophy. It’s round, it’s smaller.”

“Thanks to all the perverts who voted for me.”
– Jessica Alba, accepting the MTV Award for Sexiest Performance in a Movie (Sin City).

“For some people, playing a bipolar nympho might have been a challenge, but for me, I think I just played myself.”
– Isla Fisher, accepting the MTV Award for Outstanding Performance of the Year (Wedding Crashers).

“The publication of these cartoons will shake the world. If they don’t stop, there will be fire all over the world.”
– English Islamic leader Dr. Azam Tamimi

“1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d to0 g37 l41d!”
– T shirt

“I think a relationship with a partner is intensely personal and I prefer to keep it that way.”
– Paul McCartney (at the beginning of the divorce).

“We’ve been through more hardship than the Jews and Charlie Brown combined.”
– Homer to Marge, on marriage counseling, on The Simpsons

“To the VP’s credit, he admitted it: on FOX News he said it was his fault; he can’t blame anyone else. Wow, that’s unbelievable, the only time you get accountability from this administration is when they’re actually holding a smoking gun.” “.
-Bill Maher

“Any major Republican who comes out and says they didn’t know me is almost certainly lying.”
– convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff

“It’s hard to forget the day you gave up your Independence.”
– Greg Zamlule, a US citizen, explains why he chose to get married on the 4th of July, the same day he ran a 5k.
“There’s always the possibility that he’ll keep running.”
– his fiancée, Leslie Evans.

“We want to make it clear that if the Pope does not appear on television and apologize for his comments, we will blow up all the churches in Gaza.”
– a response from the Sword of Islam terrorists, distraught over the Pope’s speech that seemed to associate Islam and violence centuries ago.

“You can always have new teeth.”
– Teemu Selanne, Finnish hockey player who sacrificed three targets during a quarter-final against the USA.

“McDreamy doing the McNasty with McHottie? That McBastard!”
-George in Grey’s Anatomy

“It’s just basketball. They’re not the Big Bad Wolf and we’re not the Three Little Pigs. We’re all grown men.”
– Cavaliers forward LeBron James with Detroit

“Here we have an organization supposedly dedicated to preventing cruelty that actually inflicts cruelty on an animal to raise money to supposedly prevent cruelty to animals.”
– Paul Watson, founder of the Sea Shepherd Society in Prince Rupert, BC, the Humane Society of Canada plan to host a crab boil to raise money for the animal shelter.

“In the West Bank, a group calling itself the Lions of Monotheism bombed four churches, telling the Associated Press: ‘The attacks…were carried out to protest the Pope’s comments linking Islam and violence.’ The irony, and we find this is often the case, was completely lost on them.”
-Jon Stewart of The Daily Show

“Yeah, he seemed apologetic when he was outside making donuts.”
– Matt Kenseth rejects an apology from Jeff Gordon, who pushed Kenseth out of the way at Chicagoland Speedway.

“Years ago, they used to go out and fight and run around and chase each other with a jackhammer and stuff. Those were the good old days.”
— Dale Earnhardt Jr., on track etiquette in the days before NASCAR sponsors began to worry about driver conduct.

“You would. Puppies die.”
– LOST character Sawyer [Josh Holloway] summarizes “Of Mice and Men” for Henry Gale [Michael Emerson] (a rabbit killer.)

“After 45 years of this crap, I’ve only just begun to enjoy it.”
– Pete Townshend, WHO summarizes a career.

“Soccer is a tough business, and aren’t they prima donnas?”
– Queen Elizabeth II

And that’s FunnyPoetry.com’s roundup of funny quotes for 2006, the year Britain finally paid back the last of the money it borrowed from the US and Canada during World War II, according to CNN. And why did it take so long? The interest rate was 2%, that’s why. (By the way, Britain’s debts during World War I were never fully paid.) Fast-forward to 2007, which seems ripe to produce a lot more great quotes — if only because 25% of Americans expect Jesus to return in the next year according to an Associated Press-AOL News poll.