Singing the blues – you know it ain’t easy
I was once approached by a slightly drunk singer at a show and asked in all seriousness how I could be such an accomplished blues singer, since I have never been an alcoholic and never taken drugs. Although my shows often turn into Mr. Kool’s House of Blues, I had to explain that the blues is not substance abuse. I’ll expand on that scenario to lay bare the real facts about how to sing the blues.
The lyrical literature on the development of the blues can help explain some of the prerequisites and importance of the blues to the development of popular music. Legend has it that famous philosopher (and rock star) Richard Starkey wrote, “You have to pay your fair share if you want to sing the blues, and you know it ain’t easy.” Yes, this indicates that Blues finds its beginnings in hardship and deprivation.
The Blues musical style was the breeding ground for much of modern music. The great blues commentator and singer Muddy Waters wrote, “The blues had a baby, they called it Rock and Roll.” Rock began in the Blues style of the 1950s. Many famous rock artists like Elvis, the Rolling Stones, and Led Zeppelin started out doing the blues. The term R&B originally meant “Rhythm and Blues”, not “Rap and Bad-lyrics” as it does today.
You don’t have to write Blues songs on Ebonics, but it helps. With that as our initial thought, let me complain about how you too can be “singing the blues.” Most Blues start with: “Woke up this morning…”. Something light-hearted like “I have a nice wife” is a bad way to start the Blues, unless you put something depressing along the lines of “I have a nice wife but she has PMS.” Blues is simple. After you get the first line correct, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes… sort of.
“I have a nice wife, but she has PMS.”
“Yes, I have a nice wife, but she has PMS.”
“When she gets bad,
She scares me almost to death.”
Blues is not about choice. “You’re in a ditch…you’re in a ditch…there’s no way out…you better love that bitch.”
Blue cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, and broken-down trucks. Blues do not travel in BMW or sport utility vehicles. Blues’ transportation is often a Greyhound bus or southbound train. Jet planes and company cars aren’t even in the running. But walking plays an important role in the blues lifestyle. It also makes him get ready to die.
Teenagers can’t sing Blues. They are not yet preparing to die. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you “shot a man in Memphis.” Memphis, by the way, is the birthplace of the Blues. There’s nothing more bluesy than “Walking in Memphis.”
Blues may take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just seasonal depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Memphis, New Orleans and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. You can’t be sad anywhere where it doesn’t rain. And we all know, “it never rains in Southern California.”
A man with male pattern baldness is not the blues, you have to be completely bald. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg because you went skiing is not sadness. Break your leg because an alligator bit it.
You can’t have Blues in an office or a mall. The lighting is bad. Pull out into the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. Good places for the blues: karaoke bar, highway, jail, empty bed, bottom of a whiskey bottle. Bad places for blues: Nordstrom’s, gallery openings, Ivy League institutions, golf courses.
No one will believe it’s the Blues if you’re wearing a suit, unless you’re an older ethnic person and have slept in it…for two weeks. The best clothes for the blues are ripped overalls or a prison uniform. And of course you should be wearing a Kool Blues hat. The blues instruments are the harmonica, the blues guitar, and the saxophone. A xylophone, a chime or a violin are not enough.
Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yeah yeah: you’re older than dirt, you’re blind, “you shot a man in memphis”, “can’t get no satisfaction”, you’re a “back door man”, you named your guitar after your ex wife who left you for your best friend. No, if: You have all your teeth, “You were once blind but now you can see”, The man in Memphis lived, You have a 401K or a trust fund.
The blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods can’t sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. The ugly whites also took advantage of the blues. If you ask for water and your love gives you poison, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues drinks are: Ripple, Whiskey or Bourbon, Muddy Water, Nasty Black Coffee. The following are NOT Blues drinks: Perrier, Chardonnay, Snapple, Slim Fast or Diet Coke.
If the death occurs in a cheap motel or a “shabby shack by the train tracks”, it is a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another way to die of the Blues. So are the electric chair, substance abuse (but not required), and dying alone on a broken cot. You cannot have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while having liposuction.
Some blues names for women: Sadie, Hanna, Big Mama, Bessie, Fat Bottom Dumpling, and Caldonia. Some blues names for men: Joe, Willie, Joe-Willie, Little Willie, Big Willie, Muddy, and Leroy. People with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Brooke, Brittany, and Heather can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men shoot up in Memphis.
If you want to sing the blues, you need a good blues singer name. You can adopt one. First take the name of a physical disease (blind, crippled, lame, etc.) Then add the name of a fruit (lemon, melon, cherry, tomato, etc. Yes, tomato is a fruit and also a healthy food ). Then add the last name of a president (Johnson, Jefferson, Bush, etc.) For example: Blind Melon Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson, Killer Tomato Bush, etc. (perhaps Horny Cactus Clinton?).
Now that you’re properly indoctrinated in the fine art of blues singing, here’s a little blues tune to practice:
“I have a woman who could never be true”
“I have a woman who could never be true”
“play jokes on me,
then yell APRIL FOOL.”