Bringing death to parties: why it’s important to mention a loved one who recently passed away
If you have recently lost a loved one and are expected to attend a social event:
Be careful: the people you spend the occasion with may not realize the importance of mentioning your loved one. Instead, they may think that not mention it, this will be better because they don’t want to ‘hurt you’ or ‘make you cry’. Now, this may be fine with you.
But if it isn’t, and you discover, to your growing disbelief, that everyone is politely avoiding the elephant in the living room, the fact that you’ve recently lost an important person (or pet) in your life, you have four options. :
1. You say nothing and internalize the pain and anger (not recommended).
2. You tell someone that not Mentioning your loved one really hurts.
3. You yourself bring a memory of the person and share it.
4. You walk away, either in agonizing silence or after a spectacular hissing fit (highly recommended, see below).
If you are hosting a party or family function and one of your guests has recently experienced the loss of a loved one:
Here is a snippet from my personal experience that you may find useful (the following scene took place two months after the sudden death of my husband of 32 years):
“HE’S GONE!” I yell, “BUT HE DIDN’T FORGET!”
Then I run out my cousin’s front door, past a house full of relatives trying to celebrate my mother’s seventy-fifth birthday. However, since there is a snow storm on this particular night in early December, I have to stop at the front door. later my shameful outburst, to put on my jacket, gloves and boots. Only then do I run down the icy walkway, stomping as angrily as possible in my ridiculously tall new boots. I get in my car, slam the door and slowly walk home on icy roads.
“No toast to John!” I whimper into the phone from my living room.
“Maryanne?” says Dawson, on the other end of the line. “What happen?”
“I was (sobbing) at my mom’s birthday and my family didn’t even include it (sobbing) in the toast before dinner. I just can’t believe it!”
“Do you want me to go?”
“Could you?”
A few minutes later the doorbell rings. But it’s not Dawson; she is Dale’s wife.
“So they feel you, huh?” I say.
“Yes.”
“I’m pretty angry.”
“Oh, we figured that out.”
“I can’t believe my own family. Not one person mentioned John all night, not even in a toast.” for my mother.“
My sister-in-law wins. “Everyone feels terrible about it, but I think we all thought we’d try to give you a break from the pain.”
“Hah!” I give a raucous laugh. “Well, that certainly didn’t work out.”
“You’re right. We were wrong and I’m sorry.”
“Mentioning John’s name and talking about him,” I say, “is very important to me because if we don’t, he will be forgotten.”
“Do you know, Maryanne, at dinner tonight, John was on our minds?”
I shrug. “If nobody says anything, how would I do it?”
The doorbell rings. I let Dawson in.
“Well,” she tells him. “We made a mistake.”
“It happens,” he replies. “It’s hard to know what to say sometimes.”
“Here’s a tip then,” I tell him. “Not to mention John will bury him much faster than the dirt they dumped on his grave.”
I get the double goldfish (both mouths open). Is the nice widow facade finally crumbling?
And there you have it. If you are honest and open with people who sincerely love and support you, then most people will try to do better, if to know best. Unfortunately, it’s usually up to the person grieving the recent loss of a loved one to get stuck bringing death to the party. But though loss and injury are facts of life; they may be significantly alleviated when shared memories, rather than avoidance, are brought to the table.
Because believe me, an elephant in the living room is not to be ignored.