Your Stubborn Child: How To Keep Independence From Turning Ugly
Every parent will at some point have to deal with a stubborn child, whether it’s because of their homework, the clothes they wear, or their general attitude. While it’s good for a child to be completely self-sufficient and determined, there are times when those positives can give way to downright stubbornness. When good traits turn ugly and begin to interfere with positive communication, it’s time to put your foot down and regain control before it becomes a permanent and undesirable aspect of your child’s personality.
Signs that stubbornness is getting out of control
While you certainly want to encourage your kids to stand up and stand up for themselves, you don’t want those lessons to backfire and turn them into little mules that you can’t move for anything. There are ground rules for stubbornness that should not be negotiable in order to maintain family peace. There are also signs that you need to recognize that your child is becoming too stubborn for his own good. These signs should be monitored:
- Constantly arguing or debating over every little detail.
- An unwillingness to listen to another person’s point of view.
- Attitudinal problems at school.
- Unable to get along with friends and siblings.
Once the kids move into stubborn territory like a mule, it’s often hard to get them out, so be sure to encourage some independence and self-sufficiency, but watch for signs of trouble.
When stubbornness is already a problem
Being able to pick your battles is a skill that is harder for some kids to learn and there are times when it’s perfectly fine to let the behavior slide (at least for now); but there are others where the stubborn attitude must be dealt with promptly, come what may. These times include:
- Any time that may put the child in danger (for example, a child refusing to hold your hand when crossing the street)
- Anything that is hurting school performance.
- Behavior that interferes with other people.
You know your child and what he or she is capable of when it comes to grades and behavior. If their stubborn behavior is causing them to be less than what they should be, then it’s time to rein in your little mule and get them back on track.
Why do children become stubborn?
Some children are more prone to stubborn streaks than others. Look back at your own childhood and your current behavior. Would someone ever call you a stubborn child? Have you ever stood your ground to the point that another adult turned away from you in disgust? While you accept that there will be a hint of your own stubbornness in your progeny, you don’t have to accept that it gets out of hand.
Birth order can have a lot to do with how stubborn you see in your child. For example, an older child may become stubborn as a way of asserting her authority over the younger children. And a younger child can become stubborn when he tries to assert himself in the family pecking order. An only child may rebel against a stifling parent by becoming stubborn.
There are ways to stop fighting the stubborn child
First, all adults dealing with this child need to be on the same page about certain displays of stubbornness. If it is tolerated at home but not at school, the child will become confused and may behave even more because of that confusion. Everyone needs to agree on what the parameters are and everyone needs to agree on what to do when the child crosses the line. Once there is a unified front, the child will be less confused and less likely to try to pit one adult against another. After going around the wagons, it’s time to talk with your child about what will and won’t be tolerated.
Set limits and guidelines for your stubborn child, and then set consequences for crossing them. Make sure you are consistent with all punishments and that they are age appropriate. Also keep in mind where your child is developmentally. A two-year-old isn’t being stubborn on purpose to upset you; it’s simply a matter of learning about yourself and they can get off the stage pretty quickly. However, a stubborn ten year old should know more and have better behavioral skills.
Copyright 2010 Parenttainment.com, Inc.