What causes anger?
Anger is a strong emotion of disgust caused by some kind of wrong that is real or perceived as real by a person. Cognitive behavioral theory attributes anger to various factors, such as past experiences, learned behavior from others, genetic predispositions, and a lack of problem-solving ability. Put simply, anger is caused by a combination of two factors: an irrational perception of reality (“It has to be done my way”) and a low point of frustration (“It’s my way or not”). Anger is an internal reaction that is perceived to have an external cause. Angry people almost always blame their reactions on some person or event, but they rarely realize that the reason they are angry is because of their irrational perception of the world. Angry people have a certain perception and expectation of the world they live in, and when that reality doesn’t meet their expectations, then they get angry.
It is important to understand that not all anger is bad for your health. Anger is one of our most primitive defense mechanisms that protects and motivates us from being dominated or manipulated by others. It gives us the extra strength, courage, and motivation needed to fight injustice done to us or to others we love. However, if anger is left unchecked and free to control the mind and body at any time, then anger becomes destructive.
Why do we need to control anger?
Like a person under the control of a street drug, a person under the influence of anger cannot rationalize, understand, or make good decisions because anger distorts logical reasoning into blind emotion. You become unable to think clearly and your emotions take control of your actions. Physiologically speaking, anger represents the fight or flight response in our brain, which increases our blood pressure and releases adrenaline into our bloodstream, which increases our strength and pain threshold. Anger makes us think of only two things: (1) Defend, or (2) Attack. None of these options facilitates a good negotiation.
internal sources of anger
Our internal sources of anger come from our irrational perceptions of reality. Psychologists have identified four types of thinking that contribute to anger.
1. Emotional reasoning. Emotionally reasoning people misinterpret normal events and things other people say as a direct threat to their needs and goals. People who use emotional reasoning tend to get irritated by something innocent that other people say to them because they perceive it as an attack on themselves. Emotional reasoning can lead to long-term dysfunctional anger.
2. Low tolerance for frustration. All of us, at some point, have experienced a time when our tolerance for frustration was low. Stress-related anxiety often lowers our tolerance for frustration and we begin to perceive normal things as threats to our well-being or threats to our ego.
3. Unreasonable expectations. When people make demands, they see things as they should be and not as they really are. This lowers their tolerance for frustration because people who have unreasonable expectations expect others to act in a certain way, or uncontrollable events to behave in predictable ways. When these things don’t go their way, then anger, frustration, and eventually depression set in.
4. Valuation of people. Person rating is a type of anger-causing thinking in which the person applies a derogatory label to another person. Calling someone a “bitch” or “bastard” dehumanizes them and makes it easier for them to get mad at that person.
external sources of anger
There are hundreds of internal and external events that can make us angry, but given the parameters of a negotiation situation, we can narrow these factors down to four general events.
1. The person makes personal attacks against us. The other side attacks you along with the problem in the form of verbal abuse.
2. The person attacks our ideas. The other side cuts off our ideas, opinions and options.
3. The person threatens our needs. The person threatens to take away a basic need if they don’t get their way, ie, “I’ll make sure you never work in this town again.”
4. We get frustrated. Our tolerance level for doing things can be low or affected by a number of environmental factors in our lives.
Factors that reduce our tolerance for frustration
1. Stress/Anxiety. When our stress level increases, our tolerance for frustration decreases. That is why there are so many domestic disputes and divorces due to economic problems.
2. Bread. Physical and emotional pain lowers our tolerance for frustration. This is because we are so focused on taking care of our survival needs that we don’t have time for anything or anyone else.
3. Drugs/Alcohol. Drugs and alcohol affect the way our brains process information and can make a person more irritable or bring up repressed emotions or memories that can trigger anger.
4. Recent irritations. Recent sores can also be called “having a bad day.” It’s the little irritations that build up over the course of the day that lower our tolerance for frustration. Recent irritations can be: stepping into a puddle, spilling coffee on your shirt, being late for work, being stuck in a traffic jam, getting a flat tire.
Recognize the physiological signs of anger
By recognizing the physiological signs of anger, we can tune in to know when it’s time to take action to make sure our anger level doesn’t spiral out of control. Here are some symptoms of anger:
1. Unconscious tension of the muscles, especially in the face and neck.
2. Teeth grinding
3. Breathing rate increases dramatically
4. The face turns red and veins become visible due to increased blood pressure
5. The face turns pale
6. Sweating
7. Feeling hot or cold
8. Tremor in the hands
9. Goosebumps
10. Heart rate increases
11. Adrenaline is released into your system creating a surge of energy.
Do I have a right to be angry?
Damn, you’re right. You have your own perception and expectation of the world you live in and when the reality you live in does not meet your expectations, then you do have the right to be angry. After all, if everyone thought the same, then the world would be a pretty boring place to live. You will find yourself in situations that you do not enjoy. You will meet people who do not respect your views and ideas. The feeling of anger is totally justified according to your beliefs, so don’t suppress or deny those feelings.
Having the right to feel anger does not mean that you have the right to lash out in anger by attacking the other person. You can’t change other people’s opinions to fit your own because, just like you, they have their own right to defend their worldview. The best thing you can do is acknowledge your anger and focus it on the problem rather than your counterpart.
Key points
Being angry or frustrated is like being under the influence of a drug. It prevents you from rationalizing and thinking logically.
Anger is caused by a combination of an irrational perception of reality and a low point of frustration.
Anger is a natural response and you have every right to be angry, but you must learn to control that anger during a negotiation because once you react in any negotiation, you lose the deal.