Tips for transitioning back home after marital separation

When you’re separated but don’t want to be, having your spouse come home is probably your most frequent dream. It’s probably what you want more than anything else, though there may be times when you don’t dare look forward to it for fear of being disappointed. Your spouse’s return home is, for most estranged spouses, that light at the end of the tunnel. Most of us just think that if we can get there, everything will be easy from then on. And we anticipate that when we can see that day coming, we can finally begin to relax.

However, reality is not always like the dream. When the day approaches that your spouse could come home, things can be awkward and scary. You may worry that he is not comfortable or enthusiastic. You may worry that both of you have developed new clothes that won’t fit. Or you may have some anxiety about the conflict coming back again.

A wife might say, “My husband and I have been apart for about thirteen weeks. It’s been horrible. I’ve been very lonely and honestly I’ve been scared we’re going to get a divorce. The first three weeks were beyond horrible.” . We barely spoke. We started talking very sporadically for about a month and then very slowly we started talking regularly. From there, we went to see each other regularly. This was a slow process, but we felt encouraged. My parents celebrate their golden anniversary next month. I told my husband that it would be nice if he moved back by then so we could have the party at our house and it wouldn’t be so obvious that we had problems. He said this could be doable. But I can say that we are both a little worried about the transition. He worries me that it won’t work out and that when it all falls apart, we’ll end up in divorce court this time. How do we successfully transition after separation?”

I myself had this concern during my own separation. In fact, I was so afraid that something was going to go wrong, that I waited a lot longer than most people probably would before broaching this topic. I figured since I was seeing an improvement after a long time of not seeing anything that gave me hope, I was going to sit on that improvement for a while to make sure it was real and correct. As much as I wanted to ask my husband to come home (and he desperately wanted to), I forced myself to wait until he asked that question. And then I waited a little longer to make sure he was okay.

We finally made the transition well. And I think there were a couple of things that helped with this. First, we did not make abrupt changes. You can imagine how awkward it would be if she hadn’t spent any nights, weekends, or extended periods of time with her husband and then made him move in full time.

People develop new habits and enter new comfort zones. That’s why it’s a good idea for him to stay on weekends and for extended periods several times before he “lives again.” Because by that time, you should feel very comfortable.

This is important because it will help both of you feel confident that you are making the right decision. If you rush things, not only are you sure to have that awkward transition, but you could be dealing with two people who have serious doubts about whether or not this reconciliation is going to work. And that’s no way to start.

Another thing you want to consider is whether or not you have addressed any outstanding issues. Often this is the elephant in the room. Everyone knows that improvements in the relationship are fragile. And so nobody wants to mention unpleasant things. But if any of their problems are still there, they have a nasty way of coming back. Especially if it’s the issues that required the breakup in the first place. And this revival has a way of making everyone think “here we go again” so you’re once again on thin ice relatively quickly.

The time to fix those problems is now. The optimal time is before you put additional stress on the relationship by moving back. And yes, moving again can be stressful, simply because everyone knows the stakes are high.

I’m not an expert, but my best advice is to do it gradually. Have your husband spend weekends at home. That every time he stays he lasts a little longer. Notice anything that comes up during those times and address them right away. That way, he’ll be aware of any potential problems before he moves back in. The idea is that by the time he does, you’ll be used to spending a lot of time under the same roof again, and you’ll have already addressed the issues that could trip you up.