Duel between brothers: have we forgotten them?

The broken pieces of my heart came out with my tears at the thought of you… Bonnie Hutchins

This article was inspired by my daughter Bonnie, whose idea it was for me to write about sibling complaints. Instead, I decided to interview her and here I share her candid and inspiring responses about what it means to her to lose a sibling. She describes herself as one of the forgotten afflicted.

Bonnie, can you briefly tell me about the circumstances surrounding the loss of your brother?

I received a phone call early on a Saturday morning telling me that Stuart had been in a car accident. My first reaction was to worry, but I remember thinking, “Worst case, he’ll have broken his leg.”

I met my family at the hospital and I saw Stuart, I knew at that moment that he was going to die. From then on I focused all my energy on taking care of Stuart and doing what was best for him. 5 days later we turned off his life support.

How did that loss impact your life?

It changed a lot in my way of seeing things. I found it much more difficult to be empathetic or sympathetic to what felt like trivial concerns. Compared to the loss of Stuart, everyone else’s problems seemed trivial. Over time, I’ve become more understanding of grievance, people’s own pain in the face of loss, and how I deal with certain issues. Before Stuart died, I didn’t trust my abilities to be a strong and confident person. Losing him made me realize that if I can deal with it, I can deal with anything.

What was most helpful or comforting to you during that initial time of grievance?

For me, I focused on other things. I had a young daughter who struggled a lot to deal with my complaint. Instead, I found that life moved on without really allowing myself to grieve. I found that the practical things helped the most. I saved and posted many pictures of him talking to friends and even had his medical records reviewed. This wouldn’t help everyone, but it did help me know that my decision to fight to get Stuart off life support was the right one. It was. Even now, 4 years later, I know deep down that my grief was not the most productive and I often feel the need to cry. The time will come, for now I am glad that I grieved as best I could, and as best I could at the time.

What did you find least helpful or caused you the most concern or distress?

After a while, certain things increased my sadness. Milestones, seeing other little siblings grow up, and even simple TV shows I didn’t get to watch. These are all things that I have learned to adapt to. A lot of my grief is in private, so at times I felt bombarded with everything. People asking how I was? Or, in fact, completely forgetting about me and just asking how Mommy and Daddy were. As a brother, sometimes you forget everything.

Was there any aspect of grieving that you found particularly difficult?

I was very guilty. As a brother, very often love is not expressed. I felt tremendously guilty about how I had treated my little brother. I made fun of him growing up and felt really guilty about it. Also guilty that I didn’t call him enough, see him enough, or support him enough. All of which I now see as completely normal. When a brother dies, you automatically feel like you didn’t see him enough, didn’t talk to him enough, or maybe you treated him badly. You didn’t. You just had a normal sibling relationship, only now, you’ve been cursed in hindsight. That’s another reason why I tell my loved ones that I love them almost every time I think about it. I don’t want to go back to that “I should have” feeling.

Grief is acceptance. A lot of it is accepting the sibling relationship you had for what it was and knowing that you loved them and, even if it didn’t say it, they loved you too. Once I really accepted that our relationship was what it was and we did the best we could at the time, and once I accepted that Stuart knew I loved him (something I feel all brothers know), I was on my way back. to be happy

Do you feel that the loss of your brother has changed you or how you see life, if so in what way?

Yes very much so. I regard the loss of my brother and the injury that goes with it as a kind of disease, like diabetes. It can be treated, but it is not curable. The hurt and loss is always with you, but you find ways to “deal with” it. Losing my brother is a big part of who I am and how I got where I am. I love the people I love more, and I make sure to tell them more. I appreciate the simple joys in life, whereas before he died I know I took them for granted. I now have a deep understanding of my own strength and the strength of our family. Going through the loss of someone so special changes you, and for a family to overcome and survive the loss, it makes them closer. He did it for us anyway.

What do you think has helped you the most in your general complaint?

Support and understanding: I remember feeling sorry for my friends and family because they just had no idea how to help or what to say. Then there were the people who didn’t say anything. If I cried, they just hugged me. If I needed to talk, they just listened. A grieving person does not need much, just to know that they are not alone. I got a lot out of it and it helped me the most.

I also found my own way to honor him. I got her name tattooed on my wrist, I have a special Christmas ornament to wear every year, so she’s with us. And I make sure my daughters know about it and recognize its continued importance in my life and theirs.

What would you say to another person who is dealing with the loss of a brother or sister?

Hurt as much as you can. If you don’t feel ready to cry but want to scream, that’s fine.

Talk to your other sibling if you have one. They understand.

Don’t be forgotten. If you need help or you need a hug, you still have your parents and you are still their child. Tell them.

Do special things. Write your favorite memories. Post photos. Plant a tree. Get a memorial tattoo. Anything that makes you feel like they’re close to you… they are.